It’s happened to me many times. I’ve had to forgive family members, friends and coworkers. It is hard because whether their betrayal was great or small, it still causes us pain that drives us to be revengeful or at least resentful. They may not be sorry or even be aware of how they hurt us. They might do it over and over. Although they may not want or deserve it, we must forgive. Here is why:
1. God commands it.
Colossians 3:12-13 tells believers to be “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Some of the same wording is in Ephesians 4:32. And Matthew 6:15 NLT says, “but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” God is serious when it comes to forgiveness.
2. God forgave us.
In Hebrews 8:12, Paul reminds us that God said, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Even Jesus, as He hung on a cross, enduring unimaginable pain, humiliation and desertion, said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34. If God is willing to forgive all, we certainly should forgive those who offend us.
3. It allows God to be the Judge.
When we refuse to forgive, we are saying we are better than them, and have a right to require payback for what they did. But God tells us in His Word that we have no right to judge others. “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord.” Romans 12:19 NLT. It’s not that we want God to pay them back, but that we remember that we have no entitlement to it. We must let it go. This does not mean that we should continue to let others abuse us (as we’ll see later). It’s that we must let God decide what to do concerning their offense to us. He is the Perfect Judge.
4. It keeps our fellowship with God open and secure.
When we sin, and we do so every day, it is expected that we will confess and ask God for forgiveness. We expect He will forgive. “When we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9. How can we come before God in humility requesting forgiveness when we refuse to extend it to others? If we are commanded to forgive (as in #1 above), and refuse, that is sin and that pulls us away from God.
5. It contributes to our sense of well-being and mental health.
It’s amazing to me (but it shouldn’t be) how science always backs up Scripture. Studies show that forgiveness is linked to reduced anxiety, depression and major psychiatric disorders, as well as fewer physical health symptoms and lower mortality rates. The benefits could fill a book and they did! Researchers Toussaint, Worthington and Williams, PhD, wrote detailing the physical and psychological rewards in Forgiveness and Health, 2015. By far, forgiveness is the healthy choice.
However, forgiving does not mean that we allow the person to continue abusing us. It doesn’t mean we condone what they have done. It doesn’t mean that it will be all right with us if they do it again. Remember boundaries. We can develop boundaries as I wrote about in my last post series, https://christiancodependentvictor.com/9-results-of-codependent-pain-4-steps-out-part-3/.
Yet we must find a way to forgive. If we want to obey God, appreciate and accept His forgiveness for our sins, allow God to be the Judge, keep an open and secure relationship with Him and have a sense of well-being and good mental health, we must forgive.
In 2011, a Minneapolis young man was murdered and his killer sent to prison. Mary Johnson’s son was shot to death during an argument at a party. He was 20, and Mary’s only child. As a devout Christian, Mary felt compelled to find a way to forgive her son’s killer. After meeting regularly with him in prison, she was finally able to forgive.
She explained, “Unforgiveness is like cancer. It will eat you from the inside out. It’s not about the other person, me forgiving him does not diminish what he’s done. Yes, he murdered my son – but the forgiveness is for me. It’s for me.” She didn’t want to be living in hate and distress for the rest of her life. And God does not want us to live that way either. Mary knew that God wanted her to go on and have a good life and I’m sure her son would, too.
I’d like to close this post with some words from Bible teacher and author, Joyce Meyer. “With God’s help, we can choose to obey His Word and forgive rather than follow our feelings… Jesus’s own disciple Judas betrayed Him, and His disciple and close friend Peter denied Him.”
Joyce continues, “If we trust God and choose to forgive, He will take care of the rest. Even when it’s hard, everything God asks us to do is ultimately for our good. When Peter asked Him how often he needed to forgive those who had wronged him, thinking seven times would be enough, Jesus answered, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’” This means it’s something we should as many times as people need it. The truth is, when we forgive, we’re actually doing ourselves a favor.”
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