In part 2 of this series, I described in more detail, nine types of pain caused by codependency. Once you have identified any emotional pain and it probable cause (codependency), you have completed the first step to overcoming it.
If we deny physical pain, it could get worse and cause more serious problems for our bodily health. In the same way, if we deny our emotional pain from codependency, it most likely will take over our lives and cause more serious problems for our emotional health. Without emotional health, our relationships are already unhealthy.
Understanding your pain and what caused it in the first place is vital to your recovery. If you haven’t, I suggest you look very closely at those 9 pain results in part 2 and see if you recognize yourself in any of them.
Here again are the 4 steps out of your pain:
1. Identify any of these extreme behaviors in you. Acknowledgement is the first key to overcoming them.
2. Learn what healthy love looks like. (This should include yourself.)
3. Set boundaries for yourself.
4. Offer healthy support to others.
Today I would like to discuss the next steps out.
To learn what healthy love looks like, here are some things to consider:
First, people who are in a healthy love relationship have a mutual respect for one another. This is true whether it is a husband and wife, parent and child, girlfriend and boyfriend or friend relationship. The opposite would be to be jealous, possessive and competitive.
With respect, healthy love enables each to be honest with each other. They can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of retribution or ridicule. We should be able to say that we feel angry or sad or disappointed when the other person does or says something. We should expect that the issue could be discussed and resolved peaceably.
There is also a very important trust factor in healthy love. Each person knows the other would not intentionally hurt them, physically or emotionally. They understand and appreciate the special qualities of the other person, and accept their weaknesses. In that, each is supported to grow and maintain separate interests. (Certain behaviors may not be tolerated as will be discussed under setting boundaries herein.)
Being able to handle conflict is part of expressing healthy love. There should be no yelling, name-calling or belittling in any way. In healthy conflict, we have turn taking in leadership (as each has their strengths) with negotiation and compromise, where each person is satisfied with the outcome.
Another important goal of healthy love in a relationship is to set realistic expectations. My pastor says many conflicts in marriage are due to unrealistic expectations. Many of these expectations were never discussed, only assumed. A friend of mine told me she wanted children, but her husband did not. I asked her if children were ever discussed before they got married, and she said, “I thought he would change his mind.” Unrealistic expectations.
The last tool that I’ll mention that is often overlooked in a healthy love relationship is fun. Having fun together is a sure sign of healthy love. But fun doesn’t often happen on its own. You have to plan it and make time for it. Do something different. Try a new restaurant that serves food you have never tried before. Play board games. Sing songs. Dance. Start a new hobby together. Think of something you enjoyed doing when you were younger and make plans to do it again, like ice skating or bowling. It doesn’t matter what it is, just plan on doing fun things together. It will enhance your relationship.
I also want to mention healthy love for yourself. If you have been brought up in a household of codependents, it can be hard to love and take care of yourself. The people close to you may not have allowed you to express yourself, made sure you didn’t expect any favors or may not have supported any of your talents or interests that might take time or money away from them.
This is the time to make sure you are in a healthy love relationship with yourself. Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” He assumed we would automatically love ourselves. He wouldn’t tell us anything that wasn’t right and healthy. Love yourself. But how? By getting to know yourself. What makes you happy? What have you always wanted to do, but never made the time? Pursue your God given dreams. He wants you to succeed and be happy. “Rejoice in the Lord always,” the Apostle Paul said.
The next way to get rid of the pain of codependency is to set boundaries for yourself.
Boundaries, like the fence around a home, tell the outside what is yours. If an unwanted visitor comes on your property, they are trespassing. The American Heritage Dictionary says to trespass means “to commit an unlawful injury to the person, property or rights of another with actual or implied force or violence, especially to enter onto another’s land wrongfully; to infringe on the privacy, time, or attention of another.” We should treat our emotional boundaries the same way.
When you set up boundaries, you decide what you will do and what you won’t. Then you will not be caught off guard when someone asks you to do something.
It’s like the earlier you plan for a trip, the more confident and relaxed you are when travel day arrives. It’s the same way with relationships. If you have planned that you don’t lend money to anyone unless they have previously paid you back, then you will also be confident and relaxed when you tell them, “I’m sorry, but no, I can’t”.
Other emotional boundaries can be refusing to take blame when not warranted, asking for space, accepting help, owning your own feelings and not being expected to read minds.
I remember once telling my mom, “If you want something from me, you have to ask directly. And then I have the right to say yes or no.” That didn’t go over too well with her, but I was setting the boundary of not being subject to her guilt manipulation and then complaining that I don’t do enough for her. No more mind reading for me!
In order to set good boundaries, you have to take time to know yourself and what you need. Good boundaries will weed out unhealthy relationships and build strength in the healthy ones.
The last way I’ll offer you to help get rid of your emotional pain caused by codependency is through giving healthy support to others. A study conducted by the University of Pittsburgh found that helping others activates a neural pathway in the brain that produces well-being. Participants were asked to provide direct support for someone expecting nothing in return and then were given an MRI which detected specific areas of the brain. Those that helped others had lower fear and stress levels and generally felt better.
There are many things you can do to gain these benefits of helping others. Any small acts of kindness can make a difference toward your well-being. Holding a door for someone, paying it forward for someone in the drive-up behind you, or taking the time to declutter your closet or basement and donate clothes, toys or household items to a worthy charity can contribute to others and yourself. Using your skills and talents, or resources to help someone in need will enhance both your lives.
A smile or hug doesn’t cost anything but can make a huge difference to someone and to your own sense of well-being.
Codependency can produce emotional pain in our lives, but we can do something about it! We do not have to carry this pain with us our whole lives.
I hope I have given you a pathway to chip away at your pain by identifying the behaviors that contribute to it, recognizing healthy love, setting boundaries and giving healthy support to others.
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