She was a wonderful woman. She was so good at what she did that I almost forgot that I was paying her for counseling. It was like talking to a friend.
As the weeks went by and I felt even more comfortable, I shared some things I had never told anyone. It took many months but I finally told her about some of the stories I now share in this blog. They were real examples of the emotional distance, rage, negative thinking, depression, rejection, and verbal and physical abuse that I grew up with.
She once looked at me and said, “So much pain. You are carrying around so much pain.” I never heard anyone say that before. Whenever I would express pain or disappointment to my family, all I got was sarcasm. “Oh, poor Donna. Everything happens to her,” or “Suck it up, kid, that’s life.” It was that generation. They had been through the 1930’s Depression and World War II. Many had to quit school to work. Emotional support was not in their wheelhouse, not considered necessary, maybe even a detriment to survival.
Not that I wanted pity, but the acknowledgement from my counselor helped me move forward. It seems counter productive to look back at the pain, but it did help me to understand myself and my family better. Yes, it happened. Yes, it hurt, but that doesn’t have to control me anymore. I can have a great life now!
My sweet counselor also helped me see that I was not to blame. I happened to be born into a family that was already struggling with serious dysfunctional issues like adultery, gambling and rage. Obviously, these things don’t contribute to a happy home life.
It was a difficult childhood, but there were some good times, too. Now I know that I can make better decisions in my own life. When those familiar negative emotions pop up, I can remember to turn to God for help. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 ESV
Everyone needs emotional support. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, in order to reach our potential in life, we must have a keen sense of safety, love and belonging.
Well, not everyone was brought up with those needs met. And when they are not, we are left with the pain.
So, what should we do with our pain? One thing we should not do is dwell on it, rehearse it, and tell everyone about it. Most people do not care anyway. Don’t let what happened in your past take center stage in your present. Remember whatever you think about today will determine your future. “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7
Codependency takes place when one person relies too much on the other to meet most, if not all, of their emotional needs. Often one or both persons enable the other to continue their irresponsible behaviors such as substance abuse and controlling.
There are many pain producing effects of codependency. Some of them are:
1. Low self-esteem – not feeling you are capable or worthy to have a good life
2. People pleasing – your priority is giving others what you think they want even if they don’t ask for it; feeling you’re not showing love unless you do what they want
3. Poor boundaries – Not giving yourself permission to say no
4. Hyper-reactivity – an unhealthy response to a person’s dysfunctional behavior that causes distress
5. Control Issues – either you succumb to someone’s control or you want to control everything
6. Dysfunctional Communication – fear of being honest; constantly defending oneself
7. Obsessions – habits that we must do continually to feel “okay”
8. Dependency – not having the ability or fortitude to make one’s own decisions
9. Denial – not understanding how your own behavior is contributing to unhealthy relationships
These effects produce any combination of negative feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, depression, hopelessness and despair. These emotions can produce debilitating pain in our lives.
When you carry these pains with you over time, deeply ingrained unhealthy habits may emerge, to which you can feel you have no way out.
But how do we get rid of the pain? Briefly here are the 4 steps:
1. Identify any of these extreme behaviors in you. Acknowledgement is the first key to overcoming them.
2. Learn what healthy love looks like.
3. Set boundaries for yourself.
4. Offer healthy support to others.
We must replace the negative emotions that so plague our lives with positive assertiveness. Only then can we help others to relieve some of their own pain, which in turn, becomes a part of our own recovery.
In my next post, I will go into more detail on the blessed way out of the pain codependency produces.
Recent Comments