Since the Bible says, God opens His hand and satisfies every living thing, (Psalm 145:16), and “my God shall supply every need” (Philippians 4:19), we can know that only God can satisfy our souls.
In my last post, I explained that when our emotional needs of security, love and acceptance are not met in our original family, we seek to find them fulfilled in other places (besides God). With the disappointment that brings, we find ourselves carrying around a lot of pain. This pain can manifest itself in various ways.
In Part 1, I listed the following pain producing effects of codependency. Here I give you a little more definition and some examples. Because the first step out of the pain cycle is to acknowledge any extremes in yourself, see if you can identify with any of these behaviors or attitudes:
1. Low self-esteem – not feeling you are capable or worthy to have a good life –
Sometimes we have heard important people in our lives say we shouldn’t expect too much from life, it doesn’t happen for people like us or people like you, who do you think you are to expect good things to happen, or if others are suffering, why should you have anything to be happy about? Depending on whether we are a child or an adult, our maturity and the value of the person speaking these things to us, statements like these can produce low self-esteem.
2. People pleasing – your priority is giving others what you think they want even if they don’t ask for it; feeling you’re not showing love unless you do what they want
Are you afraid to let someone know how you really feel, even when they ask you a direct question? Are you offering to help others when you know that you and your family will suffer for it? Do you put yourself last on your priority list, thinking you don’t have time to take care of yourself, work on your own interests and hobbies, even when you know you are doing yourself a disservice? If you said yes to any of these questions, you may be a people pleaser?
3. Poor boundaries – Not giving yourself permission to say no
Knowing and understanding what your limits are; if you feel discomfort or resentment, you may have let go of your boundaries. For example, if a male acquaintance of mine puts his arm around me and squeezes tight to greet me, that would make me feel uncomfortable, but I may not want to let him know that, afraid he may get hurt, embarrassed or angry. Whatever his reaction may be, I have a right to set my boundaries and not let anyone trample them. I could try slipping out of his grasp and look him firmly in the eyes to let him know I wasn’t happy with that. If that doesn’t work, I would have to tell him plainly, “I’m not comfortable with that. Let’s shake hands or wave hello.” If I have trouble doing or saying that, I have poor boundaries.
4. Hyper-reactivity – an unhealthy response to a person’s dysfunctional behavior that causes distress
When we feel stressed, angry or hurt, we tend to react impulsively. We are in a state of fight-or-flight and tend to react emotionally, that is, to overreact. That overreaction is emotional hyper-reactivity. (from manahattanmentalhealthcounseling.com)
I tend to do this. I take everything people say very personally, especially people with whom I have had a close relationship.
For example, if a family member says to me, ”What did you do today?”, because of some past criticisms I have received from my mother saying I was lazy, I get very offended and defensive, saying things like, “I did such and such today and don’t I deserve some time to relax, etc?’ When the person often did not mean it as a criticism, but sincerely was just making conversation to ask me about my day. Oh, me. Hyper-reactivity.
5. Control Issues – either you succumb to someone’s control or you want to control everything
In codependency, we usually can more readily identify when someone is trying to control us than when we are trying to control others. Yes, we tend to be easily controlled. We don’t want anyone to be disappointed or angry with us. In the same manner, we are attempting to control others when, by our behavior, we agree to things we don’t believe in or value. We appease in order to keep their negativity at bay and in that way, we are trying to control them.
6. Dysfunctional Communication – fear of being honest; constantly defending oneself
There are many styles of dysfunctional communication. These include when someone is just talking at someone without any pause for the other’s point of view. It also happens when one person always has to one-up the other, no matter what the person is talking about, and when they deny your feelings, saying, “You have no right to feel that way,” or “You’re building this up in your mind.” There is also the shutting down of possibilities like, “That’ll never happen.” And giving unsolicited advice is also a style of dysfunctional communication.
7. Obsessions – habits that we must do continually to feel “okay”
Some people with codependency become obsessive with a loved one. They constantly text or call that person throughout the day because of their own neediness. Demands for immediate responses and attention are given and they are easily hurt or offended.
Other obsessions may be that we will do anything to keep our loved ones from harming themselves through drugs, alcohol, over working, or other risk taking. Often the loved one does not see a problem and does not want any help.
8. Dependency – not having the ability or fortitude to make one’s own decisions
Healthy dependency or inter-dependency is when people live in a give and take relationship. There is nothing wrong with needing help, relying on others and asking for help. Each one helps the other with their weaknesses using their own strengths.
Unhealthy dependency or codependency is when one person is doing most of the giving, and not receiving much in return. This sets one up for resentment and dissatisfaction.
9. Denial – not understanding how your own behavior is contributing to unhealthy relationships
By not facing the problem in both yourself and others, you deny the possibility of improving the relationship. Denying someone’s behavior will negatively affect you and your family. It can happen when you have been around it so long and you have been told you are the one with the problem.
Some people deny that they have codependency and look to blame others for their current situation.
Typically codependents are good are “reading” the thoughts and feelings of others, but are unable to express how they are feeling.
Another area of denial is when someone says that their needs do not matter and they are willing to sacrifice everything on the alter of meeting the needs of someone else.
After our basic physical needs are met, we all need to be loved and appreciated.
Remember the first step to getting rid of your pain caused by codependency is to acknowledge whether or not you have any of these negative behaviors just described. Then you are on your way to overcoming them.
In my next post I will go into more detail on the last 3 steps (see previous post) to overcoming the pain that codependency can bring.
Recent Comments