I always thought that real Christians gave sacrificially of their time, money, possessions and talents without expecting anything back. And that’s true. God promised to reward us for our generosity (Proverbs 22:9; 1 Timothy 6:1-19).
But when I kept giving and forgiving someone, and they only became angry I didn’t give more, I was baffled. Then I read in Proverbs 19:19: ” A man of wrath will suffer punishment; For if you deliver him, you will have to do it again.” I was shocked. Was the Bible actually saying that I should stop helping someone who gets angry at me?
So to be sure, I read that verse again in The Message, a paraphrase in today’s casual language. It says, “Let angry people endure the backlash of their own anger; if you try to make it better, you’ll only make it worse.” Looks like the Bible has more to say about helping others than a general statement of all out sacrifice. Makes sense, but hard to follow through on, especially if you’re codependent.
Have you ever tried to help a person, only to realize you had made things worse? I have, so many times! Why was I being so misunderstood? My heart seemed right and then I discovered I was codependent. My upbringing contributed to wrong thought patterns which preceded a super sensitivity to people which only led to misery. But I found my road back to peace and joy with God’s help and I want to share that with you, so you, too, can find satisfaction in your life and relationships.
There are as many definitions of codependency as authors who write about it, yet I have found most of them helpful in understanding different aspects of it. Although it’s qualified for accuracy, I like what Wikipedia says, “Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” And also, “In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.”
Mental Health America, the nation’s leading community-based nonprofit addressing mental health needs defines codependency as “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.” MHA also says it is often called relationship addiction because people with codependency can have relationships that are one-sided and/or emotionally or physically abusive.
Sadness became a part of my daily life because I had difficulty getting along with people, even though, in my own way, I was trying to make everyone happy. I knew something had to change because my bouts with depression were becoming more often and intense. I’m not referring to clinical depression which is chronic and lasts more than 6 months, but the common kind where you are still able to cope with life.
Then when I was in my late ’30’s, I had the opportunity to study the book, The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee in a group setting. In that study, I began to see that my desperate search for approval was interfering with what I really needed. Although I knew I was saved by God’s grace for eternity (Ephesians 2:8-9; John 3:16), I didn’t know how to have good relationships with people. In studying The Search for Significance, it was both painful and a relief to see that I did not grow up in a nurturing, healthy environment. But rather than blame anyone for my pain, I decided to take steps to live more emotionally healthy.
In this blog, I want to help you find your way to thinking clearly about your relationships. Tradition says Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s what I was doing as I was trying to make things better in my relationships, but it wasn’t turning out the way I wanted.
Maybe you are dissatisfied with your relationships and feel you have no patience or energy left to cope. Then you’re in the right place! Let me share with you my road back to peace and joy. Yes, I still struggle sometimes, but I am tons happier than I ever was.
When I was young, I was shy and wanted to be liked. Later in childhood, I used humor to break the ice and cover my pain. There was trouble at home. My parents were living separate lives and when they were together, violent fights would ensue with flying fists and dishes of hot food. Don’t ask for anything because you’ll bother someone. Don’t try anything unless you know you will succeed and you can never, ever know, so don’t try and be disappointed and embarrassed. And don’t ever tell anyone what goes on in this house! These were some of the unwritten rules I grew up with. And as a kid, like many of you, I didn’t know how profoundly they would affect me in adult life.
Teenagers often rebel for no reason except that their hormones are pulsing faster than their brains can process it. But for some, like myself, I felt like a rebel with a cause. Getting out of the house as much as possible and daydreaming about leaving permanently was just enough to get me through the troubling days. (Believe me, I know many people had it much worse). Then the day finally came when I packed my bags for college and only came home when they locked the dorm doors. (They used to do that in those days.)
When you’ve been raised in a dysfunctional family and you finally leave home, you think you are leaving all the pain and turmoil behind. I imagined I was leaving a weed infested, broken down shack for a beautiful field of flowers where I was free! Free from emotional pain, free from abuse, free to do as I pleased. Little did I know that it was all still inside me just ready to burst out whenever my buttons were pushed.
Learning to give it to God and seeing it through His eyes has made all the difference. And now I have an action plan when I am faced with a new relationship challenge. We who are on the road to recovery from codependency are at different points, but we can still learn from each other. There is so much more I want to tell you about how I became a Christian Codependent Victor!
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