If you have ever wondered how you got into your relationship messes, perhaps an eye into your past will enlighten you as it did me.
When we are children, we cannot stop negative events from happening to us. But soon after they do happen, we try to control situations to avoid further pain. We behave in a way that we think will stir up the least amount of anger. It’s a form of self-preservation. We bring this strategy into adulthood and it tends to color all of our relationships. This is where codependency often begins. In our daily interactions with people, we need to understand what is motivating us.
The Apostle Paul said, “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child. When I became an adult, I gave up childish ways.” 1 Corinthians 13:11
My earliest memory that I believe contributed to my codependency is when I was 6 years old. While at recess, running around with the other kids, I suddenly had a hard time catching my breath. I decided to sit down on the cold, concrete stoop in front of the school door. As this continued to happen day after day, the kids made fun of me for my slowing down and breathing heavy. Eventually, I quit playing altogether and would just stay on the stoop to daydream and watch.
You see, when I was two years old, I was hospitalized for my first asthma attack. My parents told me I turned blue and was under an oxygen tent for a week. After that, the doctor recommended to my parents that I not over-exert myself. (This was decades ago and I realize doctors today would probably recommend something entirely different.)
One day, the teacher encouraged me to play and I shook my head no. Next thing I know my dad is asking me why I don’t play with the other kids! I said I just didn’t want to play; I wanted to watch. At that time, I wasn’t very aware of my asthma or what it meant. Then my Dad says to me sternly, “You can’t do that. You have to play with the other kids. Do you want people to think there is something wrong with you? Now make sure you play with them from now on!”
I hadn’t thought of that story for many years, but even now, it is bringing up emotion. So you know what I did, right? Next day, I sit on the stoop, and although I felt like my bottom was glued to the concrete, I remembered what Dad said. So I propelled myself up, ran headfirst into a group of kids and pretended everything was fine. I never sat on that stoop again. But I know that event steered me toward the path of codependency.
Why? Well, no one bothered to find out the real reason I didn’t want to play, not the teacher and not my Dad. I learned my feelings didn’t count. It was more important how I looked to others. I conformed to what people wanted even at the unknowing risk of my own health. What if the teacher called again and asked more questions about our private family life? My fragile mind imagined how much more trouble I’d be in!
Healthy, functional families allow their members to express their feelings. Rather, I was encouraged to act like they didn’t exist, just to make everyone feel more comfortable. No problems allowed for this little girl, so I continued to stuff the feelings down. Children need permission to express themselves respectfully and mature adults need to get to the root of the problem and offer healthy solutions.
In Matthew 19:14, Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” I can imagine Jesus listening to the children and answering their questions. It would be pleasing to Him if we, as children, received the same consideration. But even if we didn’t, we can still learn to give that attention to the children God has put in our lives. We may never know how important that will be in their healthy development.
Perhaps you were not encouraged to express your feelings as a child. If so, it may be difficult for you to express your legitimate needs or wants, even to someone you love. Don’t let the mistakes of your parents or anyone else control you today. Be yourself. God knows you inside and out. He made you and He loves you. If no one else will listen, He will.
“But truly God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer.” Psalm 66:19.
Recent Comments