I was becoming so anxious and I didn’t know why. It had gotten so bad that I was having panic attacks as a car passenger.
At night, straining to hear if mom was having one of her nightmares, I couldn’t sleep. Whenever I heard a whimper, I would run to check on her.
Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Jerry Lewis, and Robin Williams always made me laugh. I used to love to laugh. Now I didn’t think I deserved to, not while my mom was suffering with her ailments.
On the rare occasion when I did accept a social invitation for even an hour, I would feel so guilty. I couldn’t enjoy anything.
When I was caring for my wheelchair bound mom who had also had dementia, I felt so sorry for her. We weren’t close when I was growing up, but as a Christian, I was determined before God to be a good daughter for her.
Even if I burst out a little giggle for any reason, I would quickly cut myself off, because I thought, “How do I have the nerve to laugh and enjoy myself when my mother is suffering?”
When I realized my anxiety was out of control, I decided to go for counseling. Everything else was fine, I reasoned. I was going to try to conquer my anxiety, nothing more.
When asked the question, “What can I do to help you?”, I explained to the counselor my symptoms of anxiety in the car, in the home and everywhere else. Figuring she would give me a few simple exercises to do, deep breathing maybe, counting before reacting perhaps; I began to relax in her office. Hopefully, she’ll give me a couple of Bible verses to memorize such as Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
But what she did say was exasperating to me. “Tell me about your childhood.” Oh, no, I swooned. I didn’t come here for this. I didn’t want to go there! I didn’t want to talk about all that mess! I was so far removed from it. It was so many years ago! God, help me, no!
I wanted to run out of the room. I just about told her so. But then, I took a deep breath and thought, God brought me here, so I might as well get my money’s worth. Maybe, just maybe, this will lead somewhere helpful for my anxiety! But where do I start?
I told her I was a child of divorce, an ugly, violent divorce. That was the beginning of an 18-month counseling session that would forever change my life. Some of the things I told Mary Ann I hadn’t told anyone. Who else would want to hear it anyway?
She was wonderful! She believed everything I said and she listened intently. Of course, she is getting paid to, sure, but I felt that she really cared. And in time, I knew she did.
That’s one reason I like going to a Christian counselor rather than a secular one because they have to answer to God for how they treat you and what they say to you. And their advice is biblical. Checking the Bible, my analytical mind can see the truth when answering the question, “Does the Bible really say that?”
After a few weeks, I really felt like we were friends. A place where I just talked a little bit more about myself than I normally would to any other friend. Mary Ann helped me so much. I would recommend that you prayerfully consider getting some good Christian counseling if you are struggling.
At one session, Mary Ann asked what I like to do for fun. I told her there was no time for fun and besides, I didn’t want or deserve to have fun while my mom was suffering. She said, “You will be helping your mother if you go out and have fun.” I couldn’t believe this! What is she saying? It came to mind how my mom used to act jealously when I spoke about the enjoyable things in my life. How could my having fun now that she’s incapacitated possibly be good for her?
This is what I learned: It’s not selfishness. I would be temporarily putting my own needs ahead of hers. It might feel wrong, but it was essential to my well-being. When I am happier and healthier, my mom receives better care. Solomon said, “Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.” Ecclesiastes 9:7 ESV.
That’s what Mary Ann did for me. She asked me questions and helped me see the truth. It was painful at times, yes, but like grunting and sweating at the gym, you soon feel better.
Look at Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Paul was assuming everyone knew they have to take care of themselves. The qualifier is that we are not to only care about ourselves, but others as well.
Whether you are caring for a loved one or just trying to be the best you can for your family or employer, you need to take steps to ensure that you are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy. If you do that, you need not feel guilty. You are then able to give others your best self. God will be pleased.
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