Codependency – when your motive is to avoid someone’s anger or disappointment

Selfishness – when your motive is solely to please yourself rather than God regardless of how it affects others

Inter-dependency – when your motive is to be genuine and give support without fear of losing the relationship

Generally, people who suffer with codependency have good hearts who believe that deferring all to other people, especially people they love, is the best thing they can do to avoid a rocky relationship.  In the process, they lose themselves and an awareness of who God created them to be. 

For example, when parents who are not satisfied with their own lives and continually tell their children that they must be a doctor, athlete, or priest.  The child has no chance to figure out for themselves what they want and how God wired them.  Often that child does what the parent wants and only later realizes how miserable they are.  That is a classic case of learned codependency.  The child is performing to please the parent in order to preserve the relationship, but he or she is not happy. We know that when we are using our God given gifts in our vocation or ministry, we are the happiest.   

If the child (meaning someone who is old enough to make these decisions) decides to pursue an avenue that the parent does not approve of, they may be accused of being selfish.  This is an attempt at further manipulation by the parent.  In truth, the child is not being selfish.  God gave us all free will.  We should allow others to use it according to how God wired them.  Perhaps the child is making a mistake.  We learn by our mistakes. 

When the child stands up to the parent and says, “No I must do what I feel God is leading me to do,” or “I have a deep desire to pursue this dream,” then they are taking a step to overcome codependency.  Again, they may be called selfish, but it is not true.  Selfishness is when your chief interest is yourself, but in this case, the chief interest was using the gifts God gave them, rather than pleasing man, even the parents.    

People will try to tell you that you are being selfish for not doing what they want, but in truth, they are being selfish because their motives are not in your best interest but in their own.  Of course, this is not true in all cases, but we must be discerning and ask ourselves these questions.  How are they going to benefit if I do what they say? Will my life be better or will theirs? If I do not do what they say, will I be sinning?  Why do I feel the need to please them?  What am I afraid of?  And most importantly, will it be pleasing to God?

Knowing the difference between codependency and selfishness really all comes down to motive.  That has helped me the most when deciding if I am being codependent in each situation.  We must evaluate our own motives first to see if they are of God. 

For example, let’s say a friend has asked me to babysit.  At first it was once a month, then twice a month, now every weekend, she has a desperate need for a babysitter and I have been doing it.  At first, I was willing and able to do that service for her once a month and saw it as a ministry to her and her children.  As she put the pressure on to do more, I found myself neglecting my own needs and that of my family’s.  If I tell her that I can only babysit once a month, am I being selfish?  No, I am putting God first by taking care of myself and my family which He has given me the responsibility to do.  If I continue to babysit every weekend, the reason must be because I do not want to face her disappointment or anger.  That is codependency.  My motive for doing it is no longer to serve out of the goodness of my heart, but to avoid a negative relationship experience.  We also must be willing to face the possibility of losing a friend.  A true friend would understand and accept whatever I was willing to give and be thankful.

If you have a fear of rejection or abandonment, you have the wrong motive.  The best motive is to please God knowing where the line is between helping and enabling. 

Enabling is when you make it easier for someone to continue harmful or problematic behavior. (Healthline.com)

So, you see if you ask yourself what your motive is, it will be easier to discern whether you are being codependent or interdependent. 

“Interdependence means sharing your feelings and needs with a partner without fearing the relationship will end.”  Annie Tanasugurn, PhD, from Psychology Today, October, 2023.  “…built on a solid foundation of safety in which our needs for security, trust, reliability and nurturance are met.”

Usually, a person with codependent tendencies was raised in a way that fostered early attachment wounds. They may have been or felt abandoned either physically or emotionally.  Those with more tendencies toward healthy interdependent relationships were given early consistency, affection, and support.  

Remember the movie Jerry McGuire when he says, “You complete me.”  Sounds nice, right?  Wrong!  Nothing can complete you without taking some of your individuality away.  Only God can complete us.  He made us, knows us, and loves us.  We are nothing without him.  If we let another person complete us, we are usurping God in our lives.  No, it should be, “You compliment me,” not as romantic sounding, I know. But that is what we are striving for in our relationships.