I didn’t go to my brother’s funeral. Neither did my sister go. We had nothing against Phil. We loved him. We didn’t attend because we were both paralyzed by fear, the fear of disappointment and rejection from our Dad. I’m telling you this painful story in the hopes of sparing you some distress from your own life decisions.
Being pregnant and 1500 miles away, I wondered if flying would be risky. The doctor said it was okay, but I was still leery. My mother, who lived in my town, begged me to go with her, so she wouldn’t have to fly alone. Hesitating, I mentioned pregnancy as an excuse, all the time, feeling guilty and reconsidering as the hours went by.
My sister had plans to visit me in Florida from upstate New York when Phil suddenly passed away. Before changing her plans, she asked our Dad what to do. He told her, “Go to Florida and be with your sister.” She obeyed. She obeyed! When she told me that, then I felt obligated to stay! After all, isn’t that what Dad wanted? (I am not blaming my sister. I did the exact same thing she did.)
The shock of Phil’s death at a healthy 37 and the wishes of our father, with whom we were codependent, caused us not to question, but to blindly open. I still can’t believe I didn’t go!
Throwing all common sense and decency out the window, we did what Dad said. And of course, we lived to regret it.
My brother was close to my sister’s age, so many of his friends knew her well. Naturally, whenever she would bump into them over the years, they would ask her, “Hey, why weren’t you at your brother’s funeral?” No answer made any sense. As a child would, she had to say, “Because my Dad told me not to.” How screwed up can you get? (Fortunately for me, I didn’t run into any of Phil’s friends, so I didn’t get scrutinized; but my answer would have been the same.)
Obviously, even as adults, whenever one of our parents put the pressure on, we would eventually stop thinking for ourselves and cave in to their demands.
But why would Dad want to keep us away? I’ve thought about this and I really don’t know. Maybe it was so he would look better and get more sympathy. “Look at the grieving Dad. His daughters didn’t even care. They left him to deal with it on his own.” Maybe he didn’t want any interference in the planning, thereby getting all the credit for the memorial. Or was he sincerely thinking of our welfare, to spare us from going through the trauma? Could it be that he just liked to wield the power over us because he knew he could? I don’t know what it was, but any way you look at it, it was unhealthy.
Why would we listen to such ridiculous advice? Because we were each codependent with our Dad. Wikipedia states that codependency is “an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” My sister and I wouldn’t willingly do anything to displease or question our Dad. We had learned that the resulting rejection was too much to bear. Do not cross Dad. Just his look of disappointment was enough for us to straighten up. After all, he loved us, right? With our mother’s inability to display love, we couldn’t let go of any resemblance of love from our Dad.
This is how far I had gone into codependency. Nobody likes going to funerals, but we go to show respect for the family and to say goodbye. My brother was one of only two people in this world who have the closest DNA to myself and I didn’t go to his funeral. Even as I write this now, almost 40 years later, I cringe at the thought.
How much hurt and confusion would I have avoided if I had just taken a moment to think and pray about what to do! James 1:5 says, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” (ESV) The Lord would have shown me that I should go, no matter what anyone else said or did. But I was running all by emotion, wanting to stay in good graces with someone who should have known better.
Every decision we make has repercussions for us and those around us. Let’s remember whenever we have an important choice to make, to check the Word of God for guidance. One way you can tell if you have the right answer is you feel peace about your decision. (I never felt peace about my decision.)
”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:6-7 (ESV)
Those of us who have been brought up in a dysfunctional family don’t learn what normal behavior is. As long as we are still in codependent relationships, we will continue to be drawn into making decisions that any mentally healthy person would know was wrong. To prioritize pleasing people can be dangerous.
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)
Thank God there is forgiveness for all the stupid things we do to please other people. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 (ESV)
Once you know what God wants you to do, don’t let anyone dissuade you from following through on what you know to be right. If you only do what other people expect of you, you may please them for a moment and avoid their displeasure; but you may have regrets for a lifetime.
“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.” Psalm 118:8 (ESV)
I can’t change the past, but I can learn from my mistakes. I can receive God’s forgiveness, freely given, and use this experience to help others. God can even take our mistakes and use them for good when we surrender them to Him. To God be the glory!
This story really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing this story. Trusting in God for all things is so good to keep in mind for all situations big and small.
Thanks, Arlene, I’m so glad you pulled a vital truth out of my story. That helps me to keep going.
This is a good reminder.
Thanks, Susan, I really appreciate it.